Kirsten Schow:

You need many more breakdowns between motions. This is lacking in fundamentals, so to speak.

Simon HENRY:

There's good ideas in the posing, but no time to see them. After you choose your poses, work your timing ! Try acting your shot (even without filming yourself), just to get a sense of "rhythm", where you'll hold a pose, where you'll change quickly to emphasize a word, or elses.....
Keep it going !

Timothy Muller:

Did he grab his own nipples?